Last week was rough. There were two consecutive days of leaving before Finn (or the sun) was up and getting home long after the house was quiet. By Tuesday night I was emotionally wrecked. So much so, that I cancelled the usual Wednesday morning sitter because I couldn't fathom not taking the first opportunity possible to see Finn. I couldn't fathom it to the point that my heart was racing and I could feel the tears starting to form.
About a month ago, Zac was offered a new position for a job he has wanted since he graduated from his medic program. It is a wonderful opportunity that will provide career growth and new experiences but it also brings 24-hour shifts and a long commute. In the same way that I couldn't fathom not seeing Finn on Wednesday morning, he cannot fathom not taking this position. (Maybe not to the point of tears, but you get the idea.)
We have talked and prayed and talked and prayed and finally decided that if our priorities truly are what we say they are:
then Zac can't take this new position with me keeping my current schedule. We've talked about the stay-at-home mom or dad route and we made the following conclusions: Zac is not emotionally effected in the same way that I am by being away from home for a couple days at a time. He and Finn pick up right where they left off without missing a beat. Zac needs quality time with Finn, but he doesn't need a huge quantity of time to get that. I am so distraught when I miss a full day that I start parenting out of guilt, which isn't good for me or Finn. I genuinely find joy in menu planning, packing lunches, and making sure the house is in order... and we should be able to do the things that bring us joy.
So now we begin transitioning toward Zac being away from home for 60-80 hours a week and we re-evaluate my work-life balance....Again. We've had a full year of being able to share the home and income responsibilities, but we are entering a new season and this new season will be wonderful in its own unique way. Change is not something I seek out, but I am learning to embrace the unknown. God has shown me time and time again that he will use the unknown to draw me closer to Him, so I am entering this new season with anticipation and an open heart.
"For everything there is a season,
and a time for every matter under heaven."